LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what
    you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by
    piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting.  A cold nose in the crotch
    is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon
    as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8.  If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.


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Misc. Signs

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be
prosecuted.'

     *******************

Official sign near door:  Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby:  Window frightened.

     *******************

Guys:  No shirt, No service
Girls: No shirt, No charge

     *******************

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus
    (translation of the Greek):
'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'

     *******************

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race
  Let's see who can go downhill the fastest

     *******************

Sign in King's Canyon in California.
'Slow Parking Ahead'

     *******************

MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but...
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from
Johannesburg International Airport into town.
An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i
convertible with the
roof and all the windows down.
The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without
WINDOWS!!!'
>
     *******************

Two signs found on top of one another in a country
kitchen several years ago:

   restrooms
    <-----
   Please wait for hostess to seat you.

     *******************

Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT:
Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm
Quickies Thursday at  7:30pm.

     *******************

Seen in a health food store_
" Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an
organic carrot "

     *******************

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents
expense."

     *******************

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant:
the sign read:  Women are not served here...
       You have to bring your own.



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REAL BLONDE HORSEBACK RIDING

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along at a steady
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In
terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail
grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to
safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she
is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered
against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...  
the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

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